


Scruggles McGee: The Guy Who Lives In The Tunnels

by hitchhikersguidetothealexy



Series: The Adventures of Scruggles McGee [1]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Absurd, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28323807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hitchhikersguidetothealexy/pseuds/hitchhikersguidetothealexy
Summary: UPDATE: if you like this fic and you want to voice one of the character in it...hmuokay so last night as i was in that weird twilight zone before sleep i had the thought "there's a guy named scruggles mcgee who lives in the tunnels under the magnus institute" and i woke up thinking that was SO FUNNY plus im really sad being away from my family for christmas for the first time SO i wrote this to cheer myself up.consider this my cursed christmas present to you all.
Relationships: Basira Hussain & Melanie King & Alice "Daisy" Tonner & Jonathan Sims
Series: The Adventures of Scruggles McGee [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2098125
Comments: 33
Kudos: 40





	Scruggles McGee: The Guy Who Lives In The Tunnels

[CLICK. FOOTSTEPS.]

DAISY  
Alright, I think we’re far enough down that no one can hear us. What did you want to talk about that was so important that we had to go to the tunnels?

BASIRA  
I’ve been thinking, and I realized that-- wait, what was that?

SCRUGGLES  
Oh nothing. Don’t mind me.

DAISY  
Is there...someone else down here?

SCRUGGLES  
Yes but don’t worry about me. You can keep talking.

BASIRA  
Come out here!

SCRUGGLES  
I’d rather not. I’m very shy.

DAISY  
Come out right now.

SCRUGGLES  
Okay you are very scary.

BASIRA  
Who are you?

SCRUGGLES  
I’m Scruggles McGee!

BASIRA  
Um..okay. But like, what are you doing here?

SCRUGGLES  
I live here!

BASIRA  
You live...in the tunnels! 

SCRUGGLES  
Yes. What are you doing in my house?

DAISY  
We...we work here.

SCRUGGLES  
Oh. I feel like I would have noticed if I had people working in my house. 

BASIRA  
This is not your house. This is a centuries-old research institute.

SCRUGGLES  
Oh is that what’s upstairs? I thought it was, like, a haunted Dairy Queen.

BASIRA  
You don’t know what’s upstairs? 

SCRUGGLES  
I haven’t left these tunnels in fifteen years!

DAISY  
Wha--

SCRUGGLES  
Why would I? I have everything I need down here!

BASIRA  
You do?

SCRUGGLES  
Yes!

BASIRA  
Hold on...what was your name again?

SCRUGGLES  
Scruggles McGee.

BASIRA  
Okay...Scruggles...stay right here okay?

SCRUGGLES  
Oh I mean I live here so. It’s not like I’m going anywhere. 

[CLICK.]

[CLICK.]

JON  
What’s the emergency?

BASIRA  
There’s a guy living in the tunnels.

JON  
What kind of “guy?”

BASIRA  
I don’t know. He’s just a guy.

SCRUGGLES  
Hi. I’m Scruggles McGee.

JON  
That can’t be your real name. 

SCRUGGLES  
It is actually. My parents were really into bath salts--

JON  
What are you doing here?

SCRUGGLES  
Right now? Just drinking this Capri-Sun. There’s, like, a whole closet of Capri-Suns down here for some reason.

DAISY  
Do you think he’s an avatar sent here to spy on us?

JON  
What entity do you serve? 

SCRUGGLES  
Um I mean I was raised Catholic, I guess. But when I was like seventeen I had a bit of a crisis of faith--

JON  
That’s not what I--

SCRUGGLES  
I just started thinking, hey , have we really been eating Jesus every Sunday? And like, why is Jesus so into that? It gave me weird vibes. 

JON  
That’s not what I mean. 

SCRUGGLES  
Oh. 

JON  
I mean, are you with The Eye?

SCRUGGLES  
Um. I mean I’m with two eyes, just like the rest of you.

JON  
No, I mean, are you an avatar?

SCRUGGLES  
Like the cinematic masterpiece by James Cameron?

JON  
No.

SCRUGGLES  
Like the cinematic masterpieces from early two thousands Nickelodeon? 

JON  
No.

SCRUGGLES  
Then no.

DAISY  
Why are you doing that?

SCRUGGLES  
What?

DAISY  
You’re scratching your ear like a dog.

SCRUGGLES  
Sorry. Force of habit.

BASIRA  
Why...why is that your habit. 

SCRUGGLES  
There used to be this old guy living down here and I would hide in the shadows and pretend I was a dog so he would throw me some raw meat. 

JON  
Do you mean Jurgen Leitner?

SCRUGGLES  
I don’t know maybe. How many old guys do you have living down here?

BASIRA  
Wait, you eat raw meat?

JON  
Why did Jurgen Leitner have raw meat?

SCRUGGLES  
I don’t know he was really weird. Whatever happened to that guy?

JON  
He was brutally beaten to death. 

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah that checks out. I always told him, “Look out! One day someone will brutally beat you to death!”

BASIRA  
Did you?

SCRUGGLES  
No. I was hiding from him and pretending to be a dog. Do any of you happen to have some raw meat on you?

JON  
No. Why would we--

DAISY  
Yeah actually, I do.

JON  
Wait, you do? 

DAISY  
I will not explain myself. 

JON  
Daisy what kind of meat is that. 

DAISY  
I am not going to tell you.

[FOOTSTEPS]

MARTIN  
What-- what are you all doing here? Are you having a meeting without me?

JON  
No, we’re--

MARTIN  
Did you not want to invite me? Do you guys hate me?

JON  
No! No one was invited! It’s not a meeting!

MARTIN  
Then what are you all doing here without me?

JON  
We made an unsettling discovery.

MARTIN  
You made an unsettling discovery without me? 

JON  
What are you even doing down here?

MARTIN  
It’s three o’clock which is when I come down to the tunnels to cry.

JON  
You..you have that scheduled?

MARTIN  
Yes. It’s on the office calendar.

BASIRA  
It’s true. I’ve seen it. 

SCRUGGLES  
Hi Martin. Did you bring me any raw meat?

MARTIN  
Yes of course I did Scrurggles.

JON  
Wait you...you know Scruggles?

MARTIN  
Yeah do you guys not?

JON  
No! How long have you known about him?

MARTIN  
Well I guess ever since I’ve been coming down here to cry.

BASIRA  
So about three months ago?

JON  
How do you--

BASIRA  
It’s on the calendar.

MARTIN  
Yeah it’s on the calendar.

JON  
Oh well I’m sorry that I’m the only one who doesn’t regularly check the staff calendar. 

MARTIN  
I forgive you.

SCRUGGLES  
May I have the meat now please. 

JON  
What are you doing?

MARTIN  
Oh he likes to beg like a dog.

SCRUGGLES  
It’s a habit I developed when I was pretending to be a dog. 

[SOUNDS OF RAW MEAT BEING VICIOUSLY DEVOURED]

JON  
That was horrible. I’ve seen a lot of disgusting things and that was by far the worst.

BASIRA  
I’ve never seen someone fit so much raw meat in their mouth at once before.

DAISY  
I don’t think he chewed. He just inhaled it.

SCRUGGLES  
Yeah that’s how I eat. It’s a medical condition.

MARTIN  
Guys don’t make fun of him. He has a medical condition.

JON  
How did you even get down here, um…

SCRUGGLES  
Scruggles.

JON  
That’s a stupid name and I refuse to say it. 

DAISY  
I can think of worse names.

JON  
Don’t say it.

DAISY  
Like Jonathan.

JON  
Well at least I don’t go by “Jonny.” 

SCRUGGLES  
It’s a funny story actually.

[SILENCE.]

JON  
Are you going to tell us?

SCRUGGLES  
Oh yeah okay sure. So I was walking one night and I saw this uh, this swirly door.

JON  
That sounds like The Spiral.

SCRUGGLES  
Mmm I don’t think so.

JON  
Do you know what The Spiral is?

SCRUGGLES  
No but I think it was just swirly because I was high as balls. Fifteen years ago I was really into acid. Besides, I think it was the door of an Arby’s.

JON  
What makes you say that?

SCRUGGLES  
Well when I came back out I was carrying a hunk of meat.

BASIRA  
Do you think this has something to do with the Flesh?

SCRUGGLES  
Mmmm I don’t think so.

JON  
But you don’t even know what--

SCRUGGLES  
I’m pretty sure it was just meat from Arby’s.

MARTIN  
What makes you think that?

SCRUGGLES  
It said Arby’s on it.

MARTIN  
So you just walked into Arby’s and...asked for some meat?

SCRUGGLES  
I guess so? I don’t know, I was pretty high.

JON  
Are you sure it wasn’t--

SCRUGGLES  
But I mean, that is my usual Arby’s order. I mean, they have the meats.

JON  
What?

BASIRA  
They have the meats.

MARTIN  
Yeah, they have the meats, Jon.

JON  
What are you people talking about?

SCRUGGLES  
So then I picked up my book--

JON  
Oh! So it was the book then! Did this book seem to have any supernatural properties? Did it have a nameplate in the front that said--

SCRUGGLES  
I don’t think so. It was a Warriors Cats book.

MARTIN  
Why were you carrying around a Warriors Cats book?

SCRUGGLES  
I just really like Warrior Cats.

JON  
What does any of this have to do with how you got down here?

SCRUGGLES  
Oh, it doesn’t. I was just telling you the story of what I do on a normal Tuesday night. Or at least what I used to do before I lived in the tunnels. 

JON  
Sc--Mr. Mcgee, I’m going to have to ask you to vacate the tunnels.

SCRUGGLES  
What? You can’t do that. This is my house. 

JON  
No it’s not. This is not even a house. This is a labyrinth of ever-changing tunnels underneath a nefarious research institute. 

SCRUGGLES  
Well, home is where the heart is. And even though during one acid trip I was pretty convinced that I ripped out my own heart and fed it to a stray beagle, I’m pretty sure my heart is still in my chest. And my chest is right here in these creepy tunnels.

MARTIN  
Can’t he stay? He’s not bothering anyone.

JON  
He’s bothering me.

DAISY  
No he’s not. 

JON  
Yes he is! He’s rubbing against my leg right now!

SCRUGGLES  
Sorry sometimes I forget I don’t have to act like a dog. 

MARTIN  
You can keep acting like a dog if you want.

JON  
No you have to stop. 

[FOOTSTEPS.]

TIM  
What is everyone doing here?

JON  
What are you doing here?

TIM  
Every Wednesday I come down here to silence my inner demons. I put it on the staff calendar.

BASIRA  
Right. It’s on the staff calendar. 

JON  
Okay does everyone regularly check the staff calendar but me?

ALL  
Yes.

JON  
Did you know about Scruggles McGee?

TIM  
Who’s that?

JON  
This guy. 

SCRUGGLES  
Hi. I’m Scruggles McGee.

TIM  
Oh yeah I know that guy.

JON  
You do? 

TIM  
I see him in the shadows sometimes pretending to be a dog.

JON  
And you didn’t think to tell me?

TIM  
No? I mean, on the scale of weird things that I see down here, that one was pretty low.

JON  
So you-- wait, what OTHER stuff have you seen down here?

TIM  
Well for starters--

ELIAS  
Oh, I see you found Scruggles McGee. 

BASIRA  
Elias when did you get here?

ELIAS  
I’ve been here the whole time standing in the shadows drinking seductively from this Capri-Sun.

MARTIN  
Can I have one?

ELIAS  
No.

MARTIN  
Wow. You really are evil.

JON  
Wait so you knew about him?

ELIAS  
Of course I did. I let him in here.

JON  
Why?

ELIAS  
He’s my acid dealer. 

JON  
You do acid?

ELIAS  
Yes I’m tripping right now.

JON  
Are you serious?

ELIAS  
Yes. 

DAISY  
You don’t seem like you’re high.

ELIAS  
That’s because 99% percent of the times you’ve interacted with me I’ve been high off my ass.

BASIRA  
I’m done with this. I’m going back upstairs. 

[SOUND OF FOOTSTEPS.]

DAISY  
Elias are you coming?

ELIAS  
Oh I’m far too high to feel my legs. That’s why I’ve been standing in this corner drinking a Capri-Sun seductively for the past three hours. 

JON  
Do you need me to carry you again?

ELIAS  
Yes please.

MARTIN  
Wait I can’t feel my legs either maybe you could carry me too.

JON  
No I can’t. Just stay with the raw meat guy and...I don’t know, talk about Warrior Cats. 

[FOOTSTEPS. SILENCE.]

SCRUGGLES  
So, what do you think about--

MARTIN  
I am not going to talk to you about Warrior Cats. 

[SILENCE.]

MARTIN  
I think Firestar’s character development is really fascinating. 

SCRUGGLES  
I’d say it all started with Feathertail’s death. 

[CLICK.]

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed! if so, please consider following me on twitter, as a fledgling writer and comedian like myself needs all the support i can get get:  
> twitter & tiktok: @alexyquest
> 
> im actually currently working on my OWN podcast so if you like my humor...gimme a lil follow and you can get updates on that.
> 
> oh also i write games and you can play them for free:  
> alexyquest.itch.io


End file.
